whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
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This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.