Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄