I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
You Might Also Like
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies