There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
How it started How it’s going
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.