King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
step 6: release the wall snake
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.