Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?