(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
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People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.