i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes