It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
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“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?