What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Spring cleaning checklist…
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
another case of gang violins
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat