Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Beware of the “party goblin”…
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo