When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.