I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
So that’s what we looked like?