If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it