I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…