Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall