Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
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I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
What personal space?
My dog
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?