Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My new favorite headline
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
How software testing works
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes