Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
You Might Also Like
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”