Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up