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My nickname in high school was “who?”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.