When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.