The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?