You Might Also Like
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
cat vs inanimate object
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…