Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
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Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Doggies just call it style.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1