January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
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“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“How many likes?”
“You’re a goner.”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.