@maxhaarhaus

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

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@lurie_john

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

@UncleDuke1969

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

@jlock17

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

@Trendingjoey

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

@AmishSuperModel

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

@YuckyTom

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

@UNDEADTRESOR

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

@shatty48

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.