“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
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If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.