God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.