After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
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All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
They’re not wrong
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.