The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
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I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING