Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.