I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.