Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
You Might Also Like
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.