84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper