My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.