My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
58.
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.