[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
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Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats