One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Bed should get ready for ME
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Comparing yourself to others
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.