*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
This kinda thing happens to me often
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.