Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.