Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
You Might Also Like
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.