Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang