Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
did it work
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
#DesignFail
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
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Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case