Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
You know…for fall…
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.