GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
this chia pet tastes awful
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.