@PleaseBeGneiss

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

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@SortaBad

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

@ABurgerADay

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

@TheBoydP

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

@_elvishpresley_

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

@juliepafoofnic

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

@o__0Dev

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

@causticbob

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

@JustDontBugMe2

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

@abbycohenwl

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid