GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane


What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?


Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.


*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace


Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”


I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.


INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH


An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.


Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.


Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid