GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office


WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.


Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter






Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired


Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.


Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.


My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?


Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem


I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.


Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket