@DanMentos “I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
@PleaseBeGneiss GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
You Might Also Like
@DanMentos 
@Voiceofgarth WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
@TweetPotato314 Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
@JasonNotEvil I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
@bewgtweets Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
@o__0Dev Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
@dafloydsta My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
@awryaditi Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
@Pork_Chop_Hair I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
@whatsJo Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket