I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I cannot call her anything else now
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]