I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
What?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN