I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Meow
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?