me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
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Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left