The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m putting together a team
When you don’t understand how floors work
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!