Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
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gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset