[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
@ candidates for local office
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now