never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Why I divorced her.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda