we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
You Might Also Like
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.