Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?