Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday


Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.


Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands


On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.


Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”


Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.


Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.


Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.